


A Letter to Dean

by profoundassbutt



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Letter, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-18
Updated: 2014-04-18
Packaged: 2018-01-19 21:45:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1485172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/profoundassbutt/pseuds/profoundassbutt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1/23/14<br/>Shortly after being kicked out of the bunker, a confused and hurt Castiel writes a letter to Dean</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Letter to Dean

Dean

I made a mistake. I trusted him and I’m sorry. But, I thought I made up for that. I thought you forgave me. So why did you kick me out? I don’t blame you of course. How could I? I can’t help you anymore, at least not like I could. I’m useless. I’m a weak human. I fell prey to such a simple human distraction; sex. I should have known better. I guess I learned my lesson. She did kill me after all. You were proud of me at least, when I told you. You once said you needed me. I assume you meant you need my powers. I mean there is a slight advantage to having an angel, no matter how corrupt, on your side. I know you don’t believe you deserved to be saved. But believe me, my hunter. I have seen your soul. I have seen your dreams. I have heard your prayers. There is nobody who “deserves” to be saved more than you, Dean. Your soul is pure and you shine with good intentions. I know what you did in Hell. I saw you when I first came to retrieve you. You are still worthy. You are still inherently good.

As a human I learned what it truly means to “feel”. I always imagined what it would be like. I even used the word in my daily conversations, as you may have noticed. But I never learned the true definition of words such as anger and fear and pain and… love, at least not until my wings were stripped from me and I was thrown into this world lost and alone. Out of all the things I have learned as a human, I think love is the strangest. I don’t know if you know this or not but, you people are weird. You use one word to describe how you feel about everything you find pleasure in. You use the same word to express your opinions about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as your own parents. The same word describes your satisfaction in sex as shoes. See? Strange word. But in this sense, I do love you. But you would never be able to tell the degree using such a common word. I love Sam. I love Kevin. I love Bobby. I love Balthazar. I love pb&j sandwiches. And I love you. It seems almost criminal to say these two sentences the same way. I think a better word to describe how I feel about you would be admiration. I admire you. No. it’s not enough. I adore you. Still not good. How I feel about you cannot be put into such simple words. They do not hold the strength to describe this clawing in my gut and the deafening in my ears as I hear my heart beat. Beat. Beat. Beat. This hunger deep. Deep. Deep. Inside of me and the gnawing gnawing gnawing at my newfound soul. Desire. Infatuation. None of them are good enough for you. You deserve the most beautiful complex words. Lust. No. Regard. Devotion. Yearning. No none of them are good enough. They are all too weak and this pain is not weak. You are not weak. WE are not weak. Want. No. Idolatry. No. Nothing is good enough for you. I need you to understand how much I… need you. Need. That’s it. I need you. I need you like air in my lungs and food in my stomach. That’s how I feel. I need you. A need is a requirement, necessary duty, or obligation.

You once said that you need me. I know now that you will never need me nearly as much as I need you. Please let me come home. It’s dark and I’m cold. Nobody needs me. Don’t make me do this alone.

Castiel


End file.
